Camping
by buzzlikebee19
Summary: This time the boys go camping. Charles comes along to make sure nobody gets killed...or kills each other.


Summary: Nathan has the bright idea to take the guys camping. _Some_ Brokeback Mountain wackiness ensues, (if you could even call it that) without the clichéd lines

Charles sat in his office; listening, unconvinced to agree to the latest endeavor the front man was trying to get him to pay for.

"And why do you think this is a good idea to do?"

"Because, we were watching that movie, about the witches in the woods…you were there! The uh…."

"The Blair Witch Project?"

"Yeah, and you saw what happened to those college kids! They all got murdered!"

"Nathan, that was a fictional story, it didn't really happ-"

"I think we should go camping! I wanna go!"

Charles, sensing the signs of a tantrum coming on, and not wanting to have his desk overturned by the singer, relented.

"Okay Nathan, we can go camping. As long as-"

But he was cut off by the other man yelling into the hallway outside his office.

"Hey guys!"

"What did he say?" Pickles' voice yelled back.

"Yeah, dids he says yes?" Skwisgaar also enquired.

"Yeah, he said yes! We get to go camping!"

About that time the remaining members of the band welcomed themselves into Charlie's office.

"Aweschome! Camping isch gonna be so fun! We get to light firesch and go fisching and kill bearsch!" Murderface remarked gleefully.

"Oh noes! There'ses goings to bes bears in de woods? I don'ts wanna be's eated!"

"Toki, dere ain't gonna be no bears in the woods. And if there were any, Murderface would scare 'em off with his face!"

Even Charles couldn't help but to stifle a smile at the bass players expense.

"Oh letsch all juscht make fun of Murderfacshe, cuz he's fat and ugly! You guysch are all dicksch!"

"Murderface, stop bein such a crybaby, there probably won't even be any bears in the woods we're goin to. But you know, keep your face just in case." Nathan replied.

They watched him stomp out in their various stages of laughter. Charles finally got everyone back into order.

"Okay guys, calm down. Now if this is really what you all want to do-"

"Oh yeahs, it really really ams! We's goings to have campfires and eats marshmallsoes and sings campfire songs…"

"Yeah, we gotta buy marshmallows, don't forget about that."

"Ands fires, don'ts forgets."

"Skwisgaar, you don't buy fire you make it."

"Yeah like the cavemen. Ooh, we gotta bring booze! Don'. booze!"

"I assure you we won't Pickles." Charles remarked, rolling his eyes.

"Okay. Good."

"Alright, this is gonna be the most brutally awesome camping trip in fucking history!"

"Certainly the most interesting one." Charles said to himself as he watched the boys depart.

And it was an interesting sight, watching as the supposedly grown men attempted to pitch a tent. Try as they might, between the five of them, they couldn't manage to assemble it. Nathan was the most promising, somehow getting one whole side up before an overzealous Toki managed to pull exactly the wrong rope and send it into heap again.

"Tokis, cant's you dos anythings right?" Skwisgaar admonished.

"Then you tries it Skwisgaar you knows so much you comes do it!"

"No ways ams I gettings tangles up in dat mess."

"Den shuts up!"

Charles had purchased more than adequate equipment for their trip, and not wanting to wait around for it to get dark, as it was still to be determined who was bunking with who in the three tents, he stepped in to assist and assemble the tents. Some time later…

"Oh, that was, a lot easier than I thought it was going to be." Nathan commented awaiting further instruction from his sans jacket manager.

"So, ehh, what do we gatta do next? Like, light a fire er somethin?" Pickles asked halfway between opening his second beer.

"*sigh* We'll get to that Pickles, first we have to decide who's staying with who for the night."

"I wants to stays with Skwisgaar!"

"No way Tokis you total criesbaby all the times."

"Fine dens, I hope yous gets eaten bys de bear."

"Sos you just goinks to gives up so easilys? You don'ts wants to stays with me?"

"No,I-I dids-"Toki fumbled for his words, confused by the reverse psychology the Swede was using on him.

"Okay dens, me and Toki sleepinks together."

"Fine. Okay Nathan and Pickles, which one of you is staying with M-"

"Pickles is."

"Well, maybe Pickles wants to have a say-"

"Hey Pickles, remember when we played Rock Paper Scissors on the bus?"

"Yeh, what about it?"

Nathan focused his intense green eyes on the drummer, a smirk playing on his lips. "Well, I won."

"So…?"

"So you have to sleep with Murderface."

"What! No! What the fuck did Rock Paper Scissors have to do with anything!"

"Well, we were playin to see who was gonna bunk with Murderface, you lose so you gotta." He wasn't even bothering to hide his smug look at this point.

Pickles wasn't letting this one go so easily. He and Nathan both knew sharing a tent with Murderface really meant becoming a part of his stench, and he wasn't having that. "Are you seeing this right now? Do you see what he's tryin ta do to me? You can't let 'im get away with this!"

Charles, the silent witness to their conversation pretended to be admiring the bird that just landed in a tree over their heads.

"Ahfdensen! I know you can hear me!"

"Hmm? I'm sorry Pickles, I was admir-"

"Shut up with that crap! Nathan's tryin to make me room with Murderface! Tell him he can't!"

Ever thinking on his feet, Charles spoke. "Okay, so play rock paper scissors again."

"What! But we already played! No fair!"

"Well, Pickles didn't know you were playing the first time or why and _that _wasn't fair."

"But…but I might _lose_ this time!"

"Well it's a game of chance, Nathan."

"What? I thought it was rock paper scissors."

Charles only rolled his eyes. "Pickles, come here, okay, ready?" They poised their fists. "Rock, Paper, Scissors, shoot!"

In the end emerged Nathan with rock and Pickles with…scissors.

"YES!"

"Noo! What the hell dood!"

"Then it's settled. Pickles, you're sleeping with Murderface."

"Noo! Dood, noo!"

"I told you so Pickles!"

He looked at him manager imploringly, with the best puppy dog face he could muster. "But…I don' WANNA sleep with Murderface!"

"Well there's nothing I can do about it for tonight Pickles, this is what's happening like it or not." After all, _he_ sure wasn't going to sleep with Murderface.

"Not!"

By the time dusk had set, Pickles was sufficiently blazed enough to be a little less upset about his tent mate.

"Ookee, so what're we gonna do now, sit around an' sing?"

"No way, campfire songs are so not metal. You know what is though? Scary stories."

"YEAH!" Three voices rang out.

"No! Is too scaries! I no wants to hear scary stories!"

"Oh Toki, you such a-"

"Criesbaby." Four other voices, all of which were not Toki filled in.

"Pfft, I am sayings de troot."

After a war story from Murderface that no one could really appreciate, an incomprehensible string of words from Pickles, a pass from Toki, Six minutes of something random about Thor from Skwisgaar, and a rip off of Friday the 13th from Nathan ("No, that'sch not gonna work! I've heard _thisch_ schtory before!" "Shut up Murderface!") it was Charlie's turn.

"So we're done here? Are you all ready to sleep?"

"What? No way! Itsch your turn!"

"Huh? My turn?"

"Yeah, we all…told our stories, ye know…"

"You can hardly constitute them as stories…"

"Yeah, so now its your turn! Go!"

"Fine…okay…this ones a camping story but one you've never heard before." His tone snapped them all into concentration. They stared at the CFO enraptured. He wished he could command their attention like this in their meetings.

"Whats kinds of campings story is it?"

"Well Toki, its about 5 guys in a band who went camping."

"Likes us!"

"Yes, very much like you." And after that, he spun a bone-chilling yarn about a secret killer who stalked the men, luring them by pretending to be their friends, then dispatching them in the most gruesome, creative ways. Nathan gasped when the large raven-haired man was strung up by his hair in the nearest tree, Skwisgaar shrieked when the blonde choked to death by his own fingers, Pickles dropped his bottle of tequila when the drummer had his eyes gouged out with his drumsticks, Even Murderface was upset when the bass player was shredded to bits by guitar strings. But poor little Toki had it the worst. The youngest of the five saw his teddy bear at the end of the woods and ran after it. He caught it, but ran too fast and went headfirst off of a cliff. "Noo! He dies toos!"

"The end." They all just looked at him. No one said a word. Finally Nathan spoke.

"Idea for a song. Killer camp out."

"Dat was…actuallies a scary stories Mr. Lawyers-man…"Skwisgaar mumbled looking at his fingers as if he'd never seen them before and didn't trust them.

"Yeah…can schomeone actually get schliced to death by guitar schtringsch?"

"Yes Murderface, I've seen it happen."

"Wow."

"Brutal."

"Very. Okay, bedtime!"

The five anxious bandmates casting worried glances at the surrounding darkness and each other was a testament to how frightening the story really was. Charlie couldn't resist adding one more scare to the night. He crept up behind Pickles.

"….BOO!"

"Aaaaahhh!" Pickles shrieked, and jumped into Nathan's arms Scooby-Doo style. "Ahfdensen! No way! I'm too drunk fer this! I almost pissed myself!"

And with that he was dropped on the ground. "What the fuck Nate'n!"

"I don't want you pissin on me! Go be with Murderface and do that!"

"Aww fuck you both." He replied, rubbing his ass and heading off to his tent.

If scaring the boys had given Charles any pleasure that night, even more comical to him was listening to them try to get comfortable in their tents. It wasn't too difficult for him and Nathan, because the singer got into his sleeping bag at one end and was asleep, snoring within minutes. Charlie got comfortable and listened to the mini-drama playing out in the tents on either side of him.

"Toki, moves over, you's too close to mes!"

"But I gots to be closes to yous Skwisgaar, is scary outs here!"

"Toki we's _insides _de tents, nothinks can get yous in heres."

What if somethings what has fingers comes and unzkippers the tents! Then it gets us, then you feels like a real dumb dildo jackoff when we gets killed."

"Tokis, we nots goings to gets killed."

"Yes we is! You heard the stories-"

"Toki, a scary woods guy isnts goings to kills you."

"How do you knows?"

"Cuz I's gonna kill you if you don'ts shuts up!"

Silence. Then from the other side:

"Muderface, what the hell!"

"What?"

"Get yer ass off me!"

"Itsch cold!"

"That's why yer in a sleeping bag. And why are you so close to me anyway!"

"I juscht schaid becausche itsch cold Picklesch."

"Ouch! That doesn't mean you can stick your dirty prickly ass on me! Get offa me!"

"Fine, why don't I juscht schleep outschide the tent then. Would that make you happy Picklesch?"

"Actually, yes, it'd stink a lot less in here."

"Aww fuck you dildo licker!"

"Okay but" there was the sound of something sliding across the tarp "Keep your stench on that side of the tent!"

"Goodnight Picklesch."

"Shut up Murderface, I'm tryin ta sleep."

And silence once more. This time it seemed more permanent. Charles laid his glasses beside him and drifted off to sleep.

Besides the call from the occasional owl, everything was silent in the woods. Everyone had finally drifted into sleep, Skwisgaar and Toki, snuggled together, Nathan like a bear laid flat on his face, Charles curled into his sleeping bag, and Murderface somehow really close to Pickles, who was starting to stir from his drunken passed out state.

"Mmf, what the…Murderface I thought I told you to get your ass off me."

He tried to roll him over, but the bass player was too heavy.

"Now your ass is on my ass. Wait…what the fuck? Is that-oh my God…"

What followed was a scream worthy of any scary movie.

"!"

Nathan hadn't even sat up fully by the time Charles had bolted, fully awake out of his sleeping bag and the tent. He raced over to Pickles and Murderface's tent thinking the worst while every one else was lumbering over to see what all the commotion was.

"Whats wrong Pickles! Are you hurt?"

But all Pickles could do was point to the other side of the tent, sleeping bag pulled fully up to his chest, a look of utter horror adorning his face.

"Pickles…? Can you talk?"

"Whats wrong with Pickle? Did the scary guy froms de story gets him?"

"Toki that was a made up story."

"Toki, I tolds you dere was no guy!"

"Shh! Pickles, say something to me."

But all Pickles could do was squeak and continue to point in the same direction. Charles caught on and fearing he was going to see William's body smeared all over the tarp, slowly began to turn his head and the others followed suit.

What he found was far less worrisome but still concerned him. William, breathing very heavily, was slumped over himself.

"William, are _you_ alright?"

"Yesh mm fmm ghhmm smmm"

"….I'm sorry what?"

He received a similar string of muffled words.

"William, you have to sit up to talk to me."

"fhmmm ssmm" He shifted, "hmm-OW my eye!" with that he sat up and revealed a tent of his own in his sleeping bag and the source of Pickles' distress.

"Ohhh…uh…Murderface…" But he was at a loss for words.

"Whats whats, I cant's see!"

"Oh wow. Awkward."

"Whats is it! I can'ts see!"

"Murderface has a totals boner right nows."

"Oh wowee!"

"Yeah you might as well goes and kills yourselfs huh Murderface?" Skwisgaar said laughing at him.

Finally Pickles spoke. "I TOLD you I didn't wanna sleep with Murderface! And look what happens! You make me and I almost get impaled in the ass with his gnarly cock! I hate you guys!"

He added the last part for the simple fact that the other four campers were either on the ground paralyzed with laughter, bent over, or pointing and laughing at them. Charlie was turned around trying to keep his voice as calm as possible since he couldn't hide his smile.

"So uh…Pickles, but your-you're okay, right?"

"No I'm naht okay! I'm completely traumatized right now!"

"Well, I understand that, but, now its…really late-"

"I'm not sleeping in here! No way, not now! Murderface goddamn molested me!"

At that point, Charles couldn't hold it anymore; he collapsed into a fit of laughter with everybody else, clutching Nathan's shoulder to keep himself up.

"What the fuck! Are you all just gonna laugh at me all night! Fix this now!"

"Well Pickles, there's only a couple of things that we could do. These tents aren't made to fit three people so-"

"Then _you_ can sleep with Murderface!"

This wiped any trace of a laugh off of his face.

"You heard what I just said right?" And he was met with an angry intense look.

And so it was that Murderface got a tent to himself, Pickles was laid out perpendicular to Nathan while Charlie rolled around uncomfortable in the corner of the tent for the rest of the night.


End file.
